she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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