I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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