Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
