you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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