Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
party gras won. party gras always wins.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
