in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
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just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
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We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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