Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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