This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
