She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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