Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
