Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you didnt know i had herpes?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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