Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
