mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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