How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
