so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
