I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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