I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
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