Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
