last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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