After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
