He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
