he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
