Whod you bang
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
