Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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