I cut my penus on the lid.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
