i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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