Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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