sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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