Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
