if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
