Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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