i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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