I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
