I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
