I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
