I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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