The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize