I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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