You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
