Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My liver is preforming stress tests.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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