Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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