It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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