you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
did you just send me my own nude
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
