In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
