Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
