I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
