3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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