I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
