wrigley field is MILF paradise
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
