we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
