Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
what day is it and did you see me today?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
