Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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