I'm going to jail i love you
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
