I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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