This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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