I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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