You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
